New! By Popular Demand!
Translation: at least one person on Facebook foolishly dared me to do it...
Medicinal* Doses Of Tori,
Now On Tap!
With tongue firmly in cheek, I'm offering up my time, on tap, for quirkified laughter-therapy self-help sessions. This isn't official coaching, consulting, or problem solving. I don't promise to be actually funny, or therapuetic (please see medical disclaimer below). I don't have any testimonials for this service, or any kind of money back gaurantee. I won't heal your acne, help you lose weight, cure your bunions or cleanse your colon. I won't fix your website, balance your budget or teach you to make money in your spare time. In fact, I'm not really sure WHAT (if anything) will be accomplished in these sessions, but in the spirit of Chasing Failure....Why the hell not?
* By "medicinal" I mean boozy. I am not a medical doctor. I am not a therapist. I do not dispense medical or psychiatric advice. Put your lawyers away. If you have an actual theraputic or medical emergency, for gawd's sake, get off the web and go contact a real live health care professional! (How did you even get to this page, anyway? Bad Google!)
What you get:
A measured dose of Tori's time and attention via email, chat session or voice call, your choice.
It will probably be weird and quirky. It might be funny or useful, but no promises. (For promises you have to pay the big bucks. And we have to have an agenda. And that's not what this is.)
How to prepare:
Bring me something to talk about, even if it's "I don't have anything to talk about". We'll quirk it up somehow. And lower your expectations! I'm seriously not a standup comic... I'm more like your Crazy Aunt Gertrude when she's been taste-testing the cooking sherry. Seriously, this is just me being me, and I'm not nearly as funny as you think - this copy is MUCH funnier than I am live. Tip: I'm usually funnier in email. I'm also funnier if you're drunk, and apparently I'm double funny if you're on an airplane.
Single Shot: $21.00 gets you a single 20 minute session with me. And yes, it's 21 dollars because that's the legal drinking age 'round here.
Double Shot: $42.00 gets you TWO 20 minute sessions! And I'll throw in a digital drawing of a towel, because... reasons.
The Get Plastered 4-Pack: $99.00 and you get four 20 minute sessions. Use them separately or all at once. And if you'd like, I'll sing as many verses of 99 bottles of beer on the wall as our time together allows.
Add Pie: $314.15 Ok, seriously,if you just want to throw your money at me? THIS IS YOUR OPTION BABY! Consider it a donation to charity**, but without the donation to charity bit.
I might actually have to help you with something for this amount. We'll figure it out, I guess. Regardless, for this price you get some unspecified amount of my time. Also? I'll throw in a bonusphysical drawing of a pie. Maybe even in color. HOW COOL IS THAT?
* NEW! Cheapskate Version: $3.14 gets you a choice: A smidgen over 3 minutes of my time in voice chat, OR a 314 word email on any topic OR a postage-stamp sized digital drawing of pie. IT'S LIKE A MINI TRIPLE SUNDAE OF PI! (except you only get one helping of pie, so forget the triple part. Yes ,an earlier version of this page didn't make the "choice" part clear, but since people are actually ORDERING this? You only get one option, you cheapskates!)
RESERVE YOUR SPOT TODAY! LIMITED TIME ONLY! GOING FAST!
YES! I'VE GOT ONE NOW!
"That’s awesome. I’m so excited!!! I can’t believe the service was so speedy! I’m considering ordering pumpkin and peach so i can have pie for all seasons. I’m also thinking about buying more pie as a scholarship so those less fortunate can have pie too. PIE!!
(feel free to use this as a testimonial)"-- Satisfied Cheapskate & Actual Customer, Deanna Lohnes
How to schedule your session(s):
Wait, you're actually going to sign up for this? REALLY? Whoa.... Ok, then I'll be in touch ASAP and we'll use one of those appointment scheduling app things to set up appointments. Or maybe we'll just wing it. I'm a big fan of winging it, as you can see!
Example/Sample of Pie Received by Previous Customer:
No two pi are alike.
Your mileage may vary.
Pie created by trained semi-professional.
Please do not attempt pi creation at home.
Even More Disclaimers:
* Again.... By "medicinal" I mean boozy. I am not a medical doctor. I am not a therapist. I do not dispense medical or psychiatric advice. Put your lawyers away. If you have an actual theraputic or medical emergency, for gawd's sake, get off the web and go contact a real live health care professional! (How did you even get to this page, anyway? Bad Google!)
** This is not a donation. I am not a charity. If you want to do good with your money, don't give it to me. I'll probably just spend it on stock photos. If you would like to make an actual charitable donation somewhere, I'm liking the idea of http://girlswhocode.com/ these days.
*** If you're new here, and this is the first thing you've seen from me? Um. I apologize. I'm usually at least a LITTLE bit more sensible than this. (Usually).